We're new cadets, sir.
You're not cadets, and I'm not "sir." Pull in your chin!
Stand at attention when you speak to a noncommissioned officer!
- Brown. - Yes, sergeant.
March these plebes to the office for enrollment.
Yes, sergeant. Detachment, forward march!
Keep those heads up!
Look to your fronts! Pull in your chin!
Plebes, halt!
- New set of generals, captain? - They're in the Army now, colonel.
- Fine-looking mess of manhood. - About face!
Right face!
Right face! Keep those heads up.
Higher!
Forward and to double time, march!
Get those heads up. Pep it up there! Pep it up!
Get your heads up!
- You're pretty fresh for a cadet, Sharp. - Maybe I can afford to be, sergeant.
One day, you're gonna trip up the wrong lad...
...find yourself on your face. Your old man's money won't help.
That's the trouble with the Army...
...makes no distinctions. - No.
You're all alike here.
We don't say, "Welcome to West Point" and turn out a guard in honor of any cadet.
Here's somebody you'll turn out a guard for. Must be a brigadier general, at least.
Some foreigner calling on the commandant.
Turn out the guard. General officer.
- Turn out the guard, general officer! - Fall in!
Present arms!
Order arms!
Welcome to West Point. May I direct you to the commandant?
Yes, if he's the proper person for me to see.
I'm Mr. Custer. George Armstrong Custer of Monroe, Michigan.
I've been appointed to the academy as a cadet.
Welcome to West Point.
- Nice work, sarge. - Dismiss the guard!
- What are you waiting for? Take charge. - I'll show you to your quarters.
- Will you follow me? - What about these hounds?
Oh, don't worry about them. They'll follow me.
Unleash them, boy.
And here's a dollar for yourself.
Thank you, sir.
Well. I've done four hitches in the U.S. Cavalry. I thought I'd seen everything.
But if that isn't the stra...
- You favor cavalier boots, I see, Mr. Custer. - That's because I'm going into the Cavalry.
An infantryman's no better than a beast of burden.
You have definite ideas, Mr. Custer.
What made you honor the Army by choosing it?
Glory, Mr. Sharp, glory.
I wanna leave a name behind the nation will honor.
There's many more statues for soldiers than civilians.
I'm sure you'll fit right in with the statues...
...just like part of the horse.
Well, here we are, Mr. Custer.
Orderlies haven't moved Pinchbelly's things yet.
But don't you worry, Mr. Custer, we'll fix that right away.
- Will you give me a hand with this junk? - Oh, certainly, Mr. Sharp.
I trust I'm not inconveniencing anybody.
Oh, no, no. On the contrary, it's you who have been inconvenienced.
Not at all.
Well, I hope you'll be comfortable here.
- As a first-year man, you don't rate a suite. - No, of course not.
Well, confidentially, Mr. Sharp...
...these quarters are better than those I'm accustomed to.
Oh, is that so?
My, that's a dashing-looking outfit you're wearing, Mr. Custer.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Sharp.
Yes, we've nothing to compare with it here.
Haven't you? Had it tailor-made in Monroe. Wanted the folks to see me in uniform.
- Did you design it yourself, Mr. Custer? - No, but if you've a moment...
...I'll show you where I got the idea. - Oh, certainly.
Here.
One of the greatest heroes who ever lived, Mr. Sharp.
Murat, the king of cavalrymen.
He was known as the Thunderbolt, and his one tactic was:
Ride to the sound of the guns.
I must get myself a tiger skin as soon as possible.
- Quite a fellow. - Oh, yes.
Well, I must be running.
I'm sorry, we can't make arrangements for the dogs until tomorrow.
Oh, think nothing of it. They're accustomed to sleeping with me anyway.
Oh, and thanks very much for your kindness to me.
Well, Caesar, what do you want? Why, you know you don't like onions.
What's the matter with you? Oh, you want your bones, eh? Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Over here. Here, Caesar. Come on, Hannibal. Come on.
Here you are. Here. Cleopatra. There you are.
Here. There you are.
Hannibal!
What the continental blue blazes is this?!
- Sorry. - Sorry?
- I didn't hear you knock. - You didn't hear me knock?
- Anything I can do for you? - Yes, there is.
You can tell me what you and your menagerie are doing in my quarters...
...why my effects have been thrown out...
...from what asylum you escaped...
...and how you're here in that comic opera uniform instead of at a fancy-dress ball.
Well, sir, explain!
My name's Custer, Cadet George Armstrong Custer.
- I was assigned these quarters. - You were, were you?
Well, I'm Major Romulus Taipe, quartermaster and commandeer of cadets...
...and this happens to be my quarters.
And you're an imbecile.
Who brought you here?
Well, who brought you here?
I asked you a question. Who brought you here? What's his name?
- Mudd. - Mudd?
There's no such name at the academy.
Are you presuming to trifle with me?
Well, don't you hear that call?
It's inspection for new cadets.
Get out and fall in!
I don't think your stay will be very long with us, Mr. Custer.
I'm recommending you for a mental examination.
Get out! Get out!
Get out, confound it! Get out of here!
Get out! Get out of here! Go on!
New cadets, fall in!
Get in line.
Straighten up that rank.
Prepare for inspection!
- Adjust your chin strap. - Yes, sir.
What kind of sloppiness you call that? Fix your belt. Take his name.
See that these men are instructed...
...in the proper way to wear their uniforms. Extra drill, if necessary.
Yes, sir.
Eyes front, that man.
- I said, eyes front! - That means you, Marshal Murat.
Well, it's going to take even less time to get rid of you than I suspected.
Put this maniac under arrest.
- Take him before Colonel Sheridan. - Yes, sir. Right face!
Forward march!
Mr. Custer...
...you are charged with a very grave offense.
Didn't you know striking a superior...
...is one of the most serious of military offenses...
...punishable in some cases with death?
Why did you strike Mr. Sharp?
I'm afraid I can't say. It was a personal matter.
There are no personal matters on the parade ground.
Have you anything further to say?
No, sir.
Then I have no alternative but to dismiss you from the academy.
Dismiss?
I didn't know you could get fired from the Army for fighting.
Well, you know it now.
- What is your listing, Mr. Custer? - Listing?
Yes, listing. It's on the form.
- The form you signed in the office. - What form?
I didn't sign any form. I haven't been to the adjutant's office.
Do you mean that you haven't subscribed to the articles of war?
No, sir.
In that case, we certainly can't fire you from the Army.
You're not in the Army. You've been lucky. Let this be a lesson to you.
- Take him over to the adjutant. - Yes, sir.
- I'd like to thank... - About face!
- I'd just like to... - Forward march!
Thanks anyway, sir.
You know, Taipe, I'm glad it turned out this way.
- There's something about that fellow I like. - Yeah?
Well, I don't know what it is.
You ask me, he'll make the worst record of any cadet...
...since Ulysses S. Grant.
At full charge, a 12-pound shell will burst into approximately 50 fragments.
- Mr. Custer! - Yes, sir.
You know how many fragments will a 12-pound shell burst?
Certainly not less than two, sir.
Harold McCord.
Ronald McKenzie.
Francis Dupont.
- Congratulations, Mr. Dupont. - Thank you, sir.
Edward Sharp.
- Good luck. - Thank you, sir.
I never thought I'd envy that toad, graduating ahead of me.
- I'd certainly like to be in his boots today. - Why?
Why?
Because if Lincoln gets elected there's gonna be a war. Sharp will be in it.
Bunkum. It's all talk, Custer. There'll be no war.
No? Well, you wait and see, Rosser.
I tell you, if Lincoln gets elected, the South will fight.
Battalion...
...ten-hut!
You are about to hear an order by a civilian member of the national government.
Senator Smith.
Gentlemen, because of a present crisis in the affairs of the nation...
...which menaces armed rebellion...
...and destruction of the union established by our fathers...
...it has been decreed by Congress that every officer and cadet...
...shall subscribe his name to the following oath:
"I swear to maintain and defend the sovereignty of the United States...
...as paramount to all allegiance or fealty I may owe to any state or territory...
...so help me God."
Any officer or cadet who finds himself unable to comply with its requirements...
...will fall out to the right of the battalion.
Gentlemen of the South, fall out!
I see I was not misinformed as to the preponderance of traitors at West Point.
It's high time that Congress acted to clean out this nest of secessionists.
We don't concern ourselves with the making of wars here, senator.
Only the fighting of them.
The academy leaves each man to his own sense of honor.
Gentlemen of the South, fall in!
United States Military Academy...
...close to the left!
Gentlemen, I am sorry that our comradeship must end in these unhappy circumstances.
We have lived as soldiers...
...and politics have had no place among us.
Let us part then as we have lived:
In the determination to do our duty, wherever it may lie.
- Have we your permission to move off? - Move off, Captain Fitzhugh Lee.
Shoulder...
...arms!
Bandmaster, sound "Dixie"!
Company, left...
...face!
Battalion...
...march!
Eyes left!
Present arms!
Forward!
Frankly, I dislike the idea of graduating junior classmen.
Emergency or no emergency, a half-baked officer is worse than none at all.
But I couldn't make the War Department see.
- At least the selection is left in our hands. - Let's take them alphabetically. Who's first?
- Cadet Percival Anderson. - Anderson.
Doesn't seem to have made much impression.
Anderson's not the conspicuous type, sir. But his record speaks for him. No demerits.
That might mean he's devoted himself to keeping out of trouble.
Anderson will be the better off for another year.
As a senior, he'd accept responsibility, make decisions.
- I know, sir, but... - Next!
George Armstrong Custer.
Well, there's nothing inconspicuous about him, is there?
No, sir, nothing. Nothing at all.
He has no regard for discipline, organization, nor tactics.
And as for his record...
...George Armstrong Custer has the lowest marks and the highest demerits...
...of any cadet who ever attended this academy, including Ulysses S. Grant.
I wonder what happened to Grant.
Well, what about Custer?
He's the best rider and the best swordsman we have.
He seems endowed with a singular aggressiveness.
- A singular aggressiveness. - The type that wins brawls, not battles.
- I tell you, sir, if you... - What is your opinion of his quality?
A squadron would follow him to hell.
You're forgetting yourself, sergeant.
As I was saying, sir, Custer's the type that wins brawls, not battles.
Right at this very moment, he's doing a punishment tour for his latest escapade.
Carry that rifle properly and quicken the pace.
- Why? Nobody's looking. - Quiet! You're not allowed to talk...
...on punishment tour!
Move on!
I hope you won't think me bold addressing a stranger...
...but I'm Elizabeth Bacon of Monroe, and I think I'm lost.
Oh, but I'm speaking to you.
I'm trying to find Sheridan's house.
My father has business at the commandant's office.
He thought he'd be a while, so he told me to find the house myself.
Well, you see how I've found it.
It sounds silly getting lost, but it's a big place...
...and I've never been here, and I've forgotten all my directions.
I took that path over there by the garden...
...and when I got in the middle, I turned to admire the view...
Really, sir. I've been just as carefully brought up as you have...
...and I think if I can speak to a stranger...
...the least you can do is to reply, particularly when that stranger's a lady.
I've told you who I am and where I come from...
...and what my father's business is here, and that, in an emergency...
...should be introduction enough.
And the least you can do is stand still when I'm speaking to you. That's better.
I've never been so outrageously treated in my life!
I thought West Point was a place for gentlemen!
I thought our Army was the flower of our country!
I shall tell my father about this. I shall tell Colonel Sheridan!
Oh, you needn't start back now. It's too late.
You can rehearse all the apologies you like, but I shan't stay here to listen. Good day.
Mr. Custer.
You're wanted at the commandant's office. Get there at the double.
- Right. Hang on to this. - That isn't the right direction!
Oh, yes, it is!
Miss Bacon!
Miss Bacon. Please, you don't understand.
I couldn't speak to you. It's against regulations.
Do you understand?
Halt!
If you're looking for Colonel Sheridan's house, this is the right way.
I'm very sorry if I seemed rude...
...but while you're walking guard duty, you're not allowed to talk.
- Well, then why didn't you say so? - Well, I couldn't speak.
- Oh, you mean you couldn't speak! - No! I mean, yes! I couldn't.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
And now that I've reached my destination...
Oh, Miss Bacon?
Please don't go inside yet. There's something I want to say to you.
See, I'm from Monroe too. I haven't time to talk.
I'm due at the office. If I keep Sheridan waiting...
Tell Uncle Phil you were with me.
- Uncle Phil? - Colonel Sheridan.
Oh, is he your uncle?
Not exactly, but he and my father are old friends.
- When I was little, I used to sit on his knee. - Oh, I see.
I'm certainly glad you never sat on my knee.
- Sir? - Oh, I don't mean it that way, Miss Bacon.
If you'd been little enough to sit on my knee...
...you'd be too old for me now... I mean I'd be too old now.
Look, Miss Bacon, I really must go now...
...but do you think if I were to come past your house around 9:00...
...you might be just sitting around on the veranda?
Life is full of surprises.
And if I did find you sitting on the porch, perhaps you and I could go for a walk.
We seem to have been walking together ever since we've met.
I can't imagine, ma'am, if I may say so, any pleasanter journey...
...than walking through life with you beside me, ma'am.
I must go now.
Cadet Custer, reporting as ordered.
- Have you any idea why I sent for you? - No, sir.
Do you know that you have the worst record...
...that West Point has had in years? - Yes, sir.
- Why? - I don't know, sir.
That's been puzzling me too.
Since you can't answer that, tell me why, on the eve of your chance to graduate...
...you become involved in a brawl with a civilian.
- It wasn't a civilian, sir. - What?
Oh, no. Just a Marine.
Well, Marine or civilian...
...unbecoming for a West Point cadet to engage in fisticuffs on a public street.
Only extreme provocation could call for such conduct.
It was. He said he'd been through two wars and never seen a dead cavalryman.
What? Why...
Well, I trust when he recovers from your reproof...
...that he'll be taken to the cemetery and shown the grave of "Lighthorse Harry" Lee.
Mr. Custer...
...I suppose you had hoped to graduate with your class?
- Yes, sir. - And if you had, what were your plans?
An assignment to the 2nd Cavalry. Finest regiment in the Army.
But there won't be any vacancies if the others beat me to Washington.
In that case, I suggest you leave on the next train.
- Sir? You mean, I... - You are the last of the class to graduate.
The others have already received their diplomas.
- Thank you, sir. - I trust your future conduct...
...as an officer of the Army will justify my confidence.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
And now...
...that train leaves in an hour. - Yes, sir.
In an hour, sir?
- I'm afraid I'll have to catch the late train. - What? Why?
Well, I...
Well, I sent my laundry out yesterday, and it hasn't come back yet, sir.
You've been running three years to catch that train.
I suggest that you keep on running.
- Yes, sir, but... - With or without your laundry.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Oh, Father.
Hello, my dear.
Back from your walk already?
- What are you doing sitting here alone? - Such a lovely night. I didn't want to go in.
Sounds as if you're falling in love with...
...West Point.
Oh, it's a beautiful place.
Especially when you have a handsome cadet to show it to you in the moonlight.
I didn't go for my walk.
Why not?
- He didn't come back. - He didn't come...?
Why, the young scoundrel!
A cadet is supposed to be an officer and a gentleman. I'll speak to Sheridan.
- The insolent puppy. - You mustn't talk like that.
- And why not? - Because he's the man I'm going to marry!
- How does the adjutant general feel? - He's barking like a fox.
- Any orders for me yet, corporal? - No, Lieutenant Custer.
I'm sick of hanging around to see the adjutant general.
I've written him time after time for an assignment. I don't get any answer.
By Judas, I'm going in to see him in person.
- He'll see no one except by appointment. - He won't, eh?
Help! Fire!
Spies!
Sabotage!
What is all this...?
Get the fire brigade! Get water! Get water, you idiots!
Don't let anybody in or out!
- Well... - Why, Major Taipe.
I'm very glad to see you, sir.
Would you mind saying a word to the adjutant general?
- I've been waiting weeks to be assigned... - I have a feeling you're responsible for this.
But it will serve you to no purpose...
...because I happen to be the adjutant general.
I happen to be well aware that you've been awaiting for orders...
...and you'll continue to wait...
...until every competent officer has been assigned to active duty.
And then, Mr. Custer, I may find a place for you...
...training infantry recruits! Good day!
Ain't done much with your soup. Don't like?
- No, it's all right, but you can take it away. - Yes, sir.
Got something over here that'll excite your palate, yes, sir.
Creamed onions.
Specialty of the house, sir.
Ever since President Andrew Jackson's time.
Say, waiter...
...isn't that General Scott, General Winfield Scott?
- How do you do, Charles? - Very well. Kind of late today, general.
These are busy times, Charles. Busy times.
Yes, sir, that's the general. Commander in chief.
A powerful-eating gentleman, sir.
Only time for a snack, Charles.
I'll have my hors d'oeuvres, soup, double rib sirloin, potatoes au gratin...
...asparagus, spiced pears and, of course, the creamed Bermuda onions.
I'm desolate, general. The last portion of Bermuda onions just been served.
I'll prepare more myself, if you'll just wait.
Wait, man? With the Southern patrol at Manassas?
This is war, Charles, war.
- I'll order the sweet later. - Yes, sir.
Pardon me, sir. Mr. Custer, sir.
I couldn't help overhearing what you said. These onions have just been served me.
- I'd deem it a pleasure if you'd accept them. - That's generous, but I couldn't deprive you.
That is, of all of them.
- Will you lunch with me, Mr. Custer? - Thank you, sir.
That's a good one, sir.
You mentioned having no appetite. How do you account for that?
I think I lost it in the adjutant's office.
Camping around for weeks waiting for an assignment...
...and all the time, the rebels rolling down. - Indeed.
How did you do at West Point?
Well, sir, first in equitation, sir, first in swordplay.
And studies?
I was afraid you'd ask that, sir. Last.
Confidentially, young man, I saw the West Point examination papers myself.
The only question I could answer was, "Name the commander in chief...
...of the United States Army."
Mr. Custer, I think you better walk across the street with me...
...as soon as we've disposed of the Bermudas.
Right, sir.
What...?
- It's a fatal mistake to steam onions. - Even when they're sealed in containers?
Under any circumstances. You steam the best out.
General, you certainly know your onions.
Hold him here, Jones. I may need him later.
Mr. Taipe, you're the man we want to see. Post this officer to the 2nd Cavalry.
I know they have a vacancy. I drew on them for an aide this morning.
- Yes, sir. - You have no objections to the 2nd.
If there's a finer regiment, someone will have to raise it.
- When are you to report? - Tonight. Second may be going into action.
I can promise you it will, my boy.
It's impossible for him to report tonight. There isn't a horse to be had.
If there is no horse, make the order to report at the officer's first ability.
Very well, sir.
Sorry to disappoint, but you'll see action soon enough.
- Good luck. - Thank you, sir.
- This is General Taipe's horse. - My compliments. And get out of my way!
Custer. Second lieutenant, reporting for duty.
- Glad to have you. - Thank you.
- Mr. Custer, gentlemen. - Hello.
- Pleased to meet you. - Have a drink.
- Thank you. - Here's to bloody war and quick promotion.
You bet! A fellow ought to come out of this a major.
- You're quite an optimist. - Just feel lucky.
It'll take more than luck with your grades in tactics.
- Hello, Sharp. - You know each other?
General Blowhard and I were at academy together.
Sure, that's right, sir. Now, there's a face I always like to shake hands with.
Better be circumspect with your squadron commander.
He had. You may have buffaloed through West Point, but you'll toe the mark here.
Attention!
All right, gentlemen, as you were.
Mr. Custer, sir, just reported.
Well, you arrived at an opportune moment.
We're moving on Manassas Junction, attacking at 4 a. m.
Four a. m.? Good! We'll have them on the run by 4 p. m.
I knew as soon as I got down here, things would start moving.
Come on, men! Forward!
Dismount! Prepare to fight on foot!
Skirmishes. Guide center. Forward.
What are you doing, Custer? Retreat on Centerville.
Holding that bridge until infantry gets across.
You had your orders. G-Troop. Prepare to retire.
As you were, G-Troop.
I'm in command, Custer, as long as I can stand.
That suits me.
Come on, men. Let's take that bridge.
Ready. Aim. Fire.
Charge.
Fire.
Forward.
- Oh, Custer, it's you. Good work. - General Sheridan. General Sheridan.
- But you're hit, my boy. - Yeah, I guess I am.
We can't grudge you a couple weeks in the hospital and chance to go home. Good luck.
- Now this hand. - Ladies, please, please. Isn't that enough?
Florence Nightingale had 30 nurses to take care of an army.
Takes four of you to give me a bath.
Lieutenant, we want you to look your best when you get your medal.
I don't want a medal. I want a beefsteak and a bottle of bourbon.
Attention.
At ease.
- Hello, Custer. How are you, my boy? - Oh, terrible, sir, terrible.
I get groomed and curried by these nice ladies eight hours a day, sir.
That's one of the horrors of war, my boy. Never mind. You'll be out of here soon.
Mr. Custer, when an officer disobeys orders in action...
...there can be one of two consequences:
A firing squad or a medal.
You seem to have drawn the medal. This time.
Thank you, sir. That kind of balances me up.
Ounce of lead in my right shoulder, an ounce of silver on my left.
- Is there anything else you need? - Yes, there is one thing, sir.
- What's that? - A letter of introduction.
- To whom? - To a Mr. Bacon, sir. Of Monroe.
- I understand he's an acquaintance of yours. - Yes, he is. He...
But you're from Monroe.
- You ought to know Mr. Bacon. - I'm not from his side of town.
I see. All right, my boy.
- I'll write that letter. - Thank you, sir.
I don't suppose you happen to know that...
...Mr. Bacon is the father of a pretty young woman?
Oh, is that so?
Well, take care of that shoulder. Good luck, my boy.
Thank you, sir.
Squad, at ease.
Ladies, I owe you a debt of gratitude that no words of mine can ever repay.
Your ministrations performed a miracle and hastened my recovery.
Thank you, Lieutenant Custer.
And now, I'm getting up.
- Oh, no. What? - Lieutenant, you can't. You mustn't.
- Oh, but I can and I must. - Oh, no.
- You're not well enough. - Squad, attention.
Ladies, I bid you a fond farewell. Squad, at ease.
- What are we going to do? - Lieutenant Custer, come back here.
That's a fine song, sir. What is it?
A brother cavalier, what? Butler, sir.
"Queen's Own" Butler they call me.
Late of the 5th Royal Lancers, presently of the 1 st Michigan Cavalry.
- Very happy. Custer, 2nd U.S. Cavalry. - Custer?
- I say, not the bloke at Bull Run? - Yeah.
- Won't you sit down, sir? - Thanks.
Hi there, tapster. Unlimber that old spigot arm of yours. There are pots to be tossed.
- Won't you join us in a drink? - No, thanks.
Mustn't have liquor on my breath today...
...but I'd be glad to buy you gentlemen a round.
Tell me, how did you join the 1 st Michigan?
Well, I couldn't spell Connecticut.
It speaks for itself, eh? But, sir, you asked about the song.
The name is "Garryowen."
And the 5th Royal Lancers rather fancied it because it goes jolly well on a horse.
- I'd like to learn that song. - I'm the lad to teach you.
All right, boys, together now.
Oh, good day, Mr. Bacon.
Oh, good day, Mr. Cartwright.
I hardly expected to meet you in this part of town. I'm down here collecting the rent.
Whenever it falls due, I wish my family had never acquired the property.
When the lease is up, I intend to see the new tenant puts it to better use.
That is a consummation devoutly to be wished.
- It's a blot upon the face of our community. - Yes, yes.
- Well, good day, Mr. Bacon. - Good day.
You.
Tell Mr. Sullivan I wish to see him on business.
Find him yourself. I'm busy.
How dare you address me with such insolence? I'm here to collect the rent.
- Be quiet, you drunken riffraff. - Riffraff?
I advise you to be careful of your words.
I'd advise you to be more careful of your uniform.
Bringing disgrace on it with drunken behavior.
What? Drunken? Why, you fat little pipsqueak.
This gentleman's a soldier.
He stands in battle and gets shot at so that sanctimonious little skinflints like you...
...can run around in safety doing business as usual.
And if he wants to get drunk while he's on leave, what business is it of yours?
Hear, hear. That's telling the old blighter where he gets off, eh, what?
If you don't like our society, why barge in on it?
I'm here because I prefer to collect the rent of this establishment personally...
...rather than expose my clerks to such an atmosphere of degrading debauchery.
Degrading debauchery? The chap's quite an orator, what?
Your conduct is only what I would expect from a foreigner.
But as for you, sir, you're a disgrace to the Union Army.
Drum him out, Queen's Own.
- Do I have to drink the tea every time? - Lf you want the fortune to come true.
That's the fourth time today I done read the tea leaves.
You keep drinking tea like that, and you's going to turn as yellow as a canary.
Onions.
One. Two. Three.
There. I made my wish.
You going to get that wish all wore out before it comes true.
Here we is, you and me, asking our fortune from the tea. Look in the cup and I'll see...
...what I see.
Now, now, what's this I see?
What's this? Appears to be like a bird. Yes.
Here's his wings spreading out. He's flying this way.
Oh, yes, Callie, I can see it's a bird, but what does it mean?
- It's a message coming straight to you. - From him?
Give me time, Miss Libby, give me time.
What's that tall and straight walking beside the bird?
- Oh, let me see. - Don't touch it, Miss Libby.
You'll spoil the spell.
Why, I declare, it's a man.
Now, what's he doing? He's pulling on something with his left hand.
- Now, what can that be? - A horse. He's in the Cavalry.
No, it ain't a horse. Ain't a gun. It's, it's...
- No, it ain't a sword, neither. - Oh, Callie.
- I's got it, I's got it! - What?
It's a doorbell.
- Somebody's got to answer the door. - And that somebody ain't me.
- That's magic, that bell. - Oh, nonsense, Callie. It's all right.
Go on, Callie, answer it.
- Go on. It's all right. - Oh, feet, keep me from slipping down.
Get my rabbit's foot.
Brother rabbit, work your charm Keep this child away from harm
Ain't got time to kneel and pray Don't you let me down today
Here he is, Miss Libby, here he is.
Just like the dead riding up and saying howdy.
What's the matter, Miss Libby?
You got your wish, and you're standing like your feet is glued in molasses.
Please, Callie.
- This gentleman, Mr...? Mr...? - Why, Custer, ma'am.
Mr. Custer hasn't stated what he's here for.
I have a letter to your father from General Sheridan.
- My father will be home soon. - And an apology for you.
- Isn't it a little late? - A little late?
Three o'clock on a bright, shiny afternoon?
Don't get uppity, Miss Libby.
Because the tea leaves never forgets and they never forgive.
If you'd care to wait for my father, I'll show you into the drawing room.
But, Miss Bacon. It was really you I came to see.
- But why? - Because, ma'am...
...I can't imagine anything worse than walking through life without you.
Don't propose you come strolling by at 9:00 and find me sitting on the porch again.
I'm sorry. Won't you forgive me? It really wasn't my fault.
I'm not really angry. I just thought I should pretend to be.
I knew you when you didn't come back you had good reason.
Yes. I had to report to Washington, barely had time to catch the train.
And a train won't wait, but a woman will.
Thank you, ma'am. I was hoping you'd say that, ma'am.
Tell me, have you always lived in this big house?
- Yes. Why? - Oh, nothing, except I remember it well.
I'd ride by when I was a little fellow on my way to go swimming.
There was a sassy brat who used to hang on the gate...
...and stick her tongue out. I pulled her pigtails for her once.
Was it you who pulled my pigtails?
Was it you who owned them?
- Oh, dear. - What is it?
I don't see how I can smell onions from the kitchen but...
Onions? Onions? That's funny. I don't smell them. Don't you like onions?
Oh, I love them. I just thought that maybe you didn't like them.
Oh, no. No, I'm very fond of them.
Callie, will you go to the kitchen, please...
...and bring us back some of those green spring onions?
- Onions? - Yes, Callie, onions. You know I love them.
I knows what you love, honey. It ain't onions.
Pardon me. I didn't mean to touch your hand.
It's a pleasure to find somebody who appreciates onions.
I was reading how Marshal Murat used to demolish a whole plateful for breakfast.
Please, don't take that one. Here's a better one for you.
See the fine, long grain in that one?
Good smell to it too. Try it. That'll have a bite to it.
I said to the general, "All I want is two things.
A week's leave and a letter of introduction to your father."
Now...
...when you see Father, all you have to do is say to him:
"May I return and call on Libby?" No, you better say "Miss Bacon" first.
- Yes, that'd be better. - Don't be afraid of him.
Afraid? You're talking to a soldier, ma'am.
- Why, you's back early, Mr. Bacon. - Yes, I am.
Oh, here comes Father now.
He's really a darling, though he looks severe, so just speak up.
I will, ma'am.
- Father, dear, I'm so glad to see you. - My dear.
- I want you to meet Lieutenant Custer. - Custer?
- Yes. He has a letter from Phil Sheridan. - General Sheridan. This must be important.
- How did this fellow get into my house? - He has a letter from Uncle Phil.
So I'm a fat little pipsqueak, am I?
- I'm a sanctimonious old skinflint, am I? - But, Father...
Hold your tongue. How dare you come from that den of iniquity...
...that haunt of debauchery, to pollute my home?
- Sorry, but if you'll allow me to explain... - There's no explanation for your conduct.
- None that's fit for her ears. - Sir, I have a letter of introduction...
...from General Sheridan... - A letter from the president...
...would be equally offensive. Get out of my house.
- Go on. - I'll show him out, Mr. Bacon.
Right this way, and good riddance.
The idea of you aggravating quality folks like them.
Mr. Bacon done ordered you out, and out you going right now, sir.
But not for good. You is coming back. Nine o'clock at the gate.
Brother rabbit, work your charm And keep that big boy out of harm
Libby.
It ain't unless you's colorblind.
Where is she? I thought you said...
Her papa's home with his special kicking-out boots.
- Miss Libby's locked in her room. Come on. - That ugly old fossil.
He can't do that to her.
That's what she said as he turned that lock. They had a difference of opinion.
Now she's upstairs with her opinion, and he's downstairs with his.
- Can you climb? - Up there? Sure.
Wait a minute. I don't want to cause her more trouble.
We better arrange a signal in case he comes out.
- I can hoot like an owl. - You can?
Oh, that's fine.
- George. - Libby.
Oh, George. Isn't it awful?
It's worse than that. Just when I have a chance to see you, I get orders.
- What orders? I meant Father. - Well, I meant Uncle Sam.
I've got to rejoin my regiment.
- Oh, no. When? - Tonight.
You can't. You'll be killed. I won't let you.
- Who's out here? - Just us owls, sir.
- Who? - Just me and an old owl, Mr. Bacon.
- Have you seen anything of that scoundrel? - I ain't seen hide nor hair of no scoundrel.
- Well, keep your eyes open. - Yes, sir, that's just what I'm doing, sir.
- He's gone? - I think so.
There's always the chance he may come back again.
Oh, Libby.
- Will you marry me? - Yes, George.
- What did you say? - What? I said, will you marry me?
- When I'm a general. - Oh, lieutenant.
Oh, it's easy to become a general.
Then that old crab... I mean, that nice old father of yours will be proud...
...to have me in the family. He'll be at the station with hat in hand.
Yes, general.
The old owl.
Holy smoke! It's your father. Goodbye.
What did you have to wake up for, you old devil?
Don't you wink at me.
Take an order, corporal.
Commanding officer, Sixteenth Ohio Infantry.
You're required to report immediately the percentage of...
...A, Methodists, B, Baptists, C, other denominations among recruits.
Using form AGO 117 less Section 12 in compiling the return.
By order, et cetera, et cetera, and initial it.
From the colonel of the 2nd Cavalry.
He refuses to send back your horse until Custer's return.
- That's tomorrow, sir. - Does he?
Honor among horse thieves, I suppose. Well, we'll see about that. Take an order.
Lieutenant George Armstrong Custer, 2nd Cavalry.
Taipe, Lee gave us the slip. Don't know where he's heading.
Put every cavalry unit in GHQ in reserve on the remove.
- Get them going, Taipe. - Yes, sir. Take an order, sergeant.
Form AGO 21. No, use the new form AGO 201.
It isn't issued. Get it from supply. Take his desk, Smith.
What's the Michigan Brigade doing at Hanover?
Refitting. They lost their commander and haven't a brigadier.
Appoint one. The senior man listed as Cavalry colonel.
- I don't know who he is, sir. - Find out later.
- Dictate an order now. - Yes, sir.
Take this, corporal.
I've been instructed to inform you you've been promoted to Brigadier General.
You'll proceed to Hanover and assume command of the Michigan Cavalry Brigade.
General Scott, sir. News. Lee has invaded Pennsylvania.
- His patrols are near Gettysburg. - Near Gettysburg!
This means a reconcentration. Come with me, gentlemen.
- Sign this order, sir? - Come, Taipe.
Yes, sir.
Gettysburg. Where the deuce is Gettysburg?
This is your tent. I'll unpack your kit.
The officers' mess is at the end of the road.
Excuse me, lieutenant. I represent George Straith Limited, military tailors.
We serve General Grant, General Sherman, General Scott.
- Any requirements? Greatcoat? Breeches? - No, thanks.
We can cut a fine tunic for a figure like yours, lieutenant.
There's any ideas that you have of your own, we'd be glad to incorporate them.
- No, thanks. - There's a shell jacket that's admired.
- Particularly by the ladies. - Shut up and leave me alone.
You're out of sorts, but if you'd give me a chance...
Shut up and get out!
- Welcome back, general. - Hello, general.
General? I'll have you know, gentlemen, I'm in no mood for humor.
Good afternoon, general.
- Orderly, I'd like a little coffee, please. - Congratulations, general.
That's enough of this fooling.
- Next man will find a limit to my patience. - For General Custer.
- Sharp, I'll take this from anyone but you. - Wait, we're not being funny.
The Lord knows how or why, but you are a general.
- What do you mean? - Orders.
Here's a letter from headquarters to Brigadier General George Armstrong Custer.
- Is this someone's idea of a joke? - There are no jokes in orders.
This makes less sense to me than it does to you.
Must be a mistake. They don't make generals out of shavetails.
I'd ask for verification if I were you.
Well, you don't happen to be me, Sharp.
If there are four regiments of cavalry waiting for a general named Custer...
...then they've got him.
Hey.
Hi. Hey, tailor. Hey. Tailor, come here.
Yesterday there was fighting 20 miles from here.
Our army has been driven out of Gettysburg and occupies a ridge below town.
The orders are to concentrate below this hill marked Big Round Top on the map.
Jeb Stuart's moving to flank us from the south.
Undoubtedly. As senior colonel, I'll assume command...
...if this brigadier hasn't arrived by the time we move.
Who this Custer is and why he's not here, I don't know.
Turn out the guard. Commanding officer.
We'll get a chance to see what he looks like now.
Judas priest, what's that?
He's got more gold braid on him than a French admiral.
Gentlemen, we might as well reach an understanding at first sight.
After seeing your columns and your transports...
...I'm here to tell you that this brigade is through with inefficiency as of today.
It's going to learn the meaning of smartness and orders are to be obeyed.
- Do I make myself clear? - Yes, sir.
We're ready to move, sir.
Brigade's ordered to concentrate on Round Top, just south of Gettysburg.
What's that?
Probably enemy patrol raiding the supply column.
Lee's in Gettysburg, Stuart's cavalry's in the South.
Rejoin your units. Be prepared to move in 10 minutes. Columns headed east.
- East? - What?
- But the orders. - To the devil with the orders.
We'll ride to the sound of the guns.
Things look better now.
With Cemetery back in our hands and Sickles' front restored but...
Yesterday we lost 20,000 men.
Pickett's reinforced Longstreet.
- Massing to attack our center. - I'm not worried about that.
I'm worried about Jeb Stuart.
Why hasn't he turned the flank at Round Top?
He knows our cavalry's concentrated to stop him.
When did our cavalry ever stop Jeb Stuart? If he turns us, the position's lost.
Washington and Baltimore will fall.
Hanover?
Stuart. Stuart's caught at Hanover.
It's a mistake.
- Get verification at once. - It has been verified, sir.
He's on our rear. We're trapped.
All that stands between us and total disaster...
...is the Michigan Brigade. Handful of volunteers.
But they were ordered to Round Top.
- It's on its way now. - Then stop it, Taipe. Stop it.
Tell it to hold its ground to the last man.
Who's the brigadier?
- Why... - Who is he, Taipe?
Why...
Corporal Smith.
As you were. Who's the new commander of the Michigan Cavalry?
- General Custer, sir. - General Custer.
- Custer? What Custer's that? - George Armstrong Custer.
Here's a copy of the order.
- What is this? How did this happen? - Well, who is he?
Heaven help us, sir.
The Michigan Brigade is led by the most irresponsible...
...rattle-brained second lieutenant in the Army.
Seventh Michigan, forward.
Trot!
Gallop!
Charge!
We'll take immediate action with Custer.
This Custer of yours is insubordinate, all right.
Thank God for it. He's not marching on Round Top.
- He's attacking Stuart at Hanover! - Attacking? Attacking a whole corps?
Rather than hold his ground, the mad fool is attacking!
That was a gallant charge, men, even if it failed.
Sergeant, see that the wounded are taken care of.
Senior colonel presents his compliments.
Fifth and 6th Michigan are formed for attack. Any orders?
Try more weight. Fifth and 6th attack together.
Very good. Where will the general's headquarters be located?
Headquarters? In front of the attacking regiment.
Fifth and 6th Michigan, forward!
Trot!
Gallop!
Charge!
The order in question, being erroneous, is hereby revoked...
...and as of today, revert to second lieutenant.
Never mind that, Taipe.
"Consecutive attacks by 7th, 6th, 5th Michigan Cavalry...
...are repulsed by losses near Hanover.
- Enemy advance continues." - Three regiments ruined by a fool.
Three out of our last four.
Ride, you Wolverines!
First Michigan, charge!
What is it? What is it? Read it to me, man.
"Stuart retiring in disorder after assault by Michigan Cavalry...
...enemy abandoning guns."
And now, gentlemen...
...If Meade can hold the ridge at Gettysburg...
...by God's grace, the Union will be safe.
General...
...about this Custer matter...
...what do you propose to do? - Do? Do, Taipe?
Oh, yes, Custer.
I intend to walk across the street...
...and buy myself a double portion of creamed Bermuda onions.